Getting Old!

So its only 5 days until I'm 27.....I don't wanna be 27.....it was bad enough being 26 :-(

I though by now I would have a job I enjoyed, met the man of my dreams and be married or atleast planning my wedding and have a child......But hey ho.....Maybe I'll have achieved atleast one of them by the time I'm 30.

Wish I could be 20 again, those years where so much fun :-)

Ach well after a week of sunshine its pissing down with rain so I'm lying on the sofa and watching films allday the the old lady I am.....I'm in a huff with my boyfriend so I'll no be seeing him today lol.

Cheerio xx

I didn't steal your boyfriend.....

Sometimes writing something down makes it a little easier for both parties.....



So where do I start.....I suppose I could start from when me and him met but you probably don't give a rats ass about any of that anyway so I'll just go straight to January....



I didn't know about you, he never ever mentioned you to me at all and we texted almost everyday. I also had no idea about you and him getting together until Feb. I only found out as me and him had plans for 12th/13th Feb and I went on Facebook to ask him which day it was he was coming round 'cos I had some things planned for his b'day/valentines(even though we wheren't together)....Anyway....this will mean diddlysquat to you.



Obviously you and him spent that weekend together and 'cos he didn't come back to Fife he said I could go over there to visit...So I did, We had things to chat about. We sat in his room and chatted, like friends, like we use to. He hugged me and it was him who tried to kiss me and I told him it was wrong and despite what you may think of me I'm a woman too and I didn't want any reason for you to be hurt and certainly didn't want to be thought of as that kind of woman...however we did end up kissing etc, it just felt right and I can't speak on his behalf but all the way home afterward I felt like shit, and so I should have. I would never like my boyfriend to do that to me so why did I let it happen!!!???



I know telling him of my feelings for him messed his head up and by us talking daily had an impact on your 3 week relationship and I apologise, although he phoned me alot, it wasn't me always phoning him......



I can't stress enough to you that I never set out to split you and him up and it was most definatly not my intention for you to get hurt. Why would I want to hurt a girl that he liked, if you wheren't a nice peson he wouldn't have liked you. And as far as I'm aware, as a person, he still does like you. I just felt it was right to tell him how I felt.




I never at ant point asked him to end things with you. I never asked him if he wanted to be with me or if he felt the same. I never ever asked him to pick between me and you, I would never him in such a position. I only asked him if he was happy.



He's a grown lad and made his own decision.



It was never the case of splitting up with you and then he go with me. That didn't happen....it wasn't gonna be that easy!



I was never happy with the way he ended things with you and he got a roasting for that but you you to use the "I think I'm pregnant" card and leaving him hanging on for a week by not even doing a test was a bit much. Ive been 19/20 before and I actually understand why you did this. He actually says we have alot in common....(I wasn't sure how to take this either, but it doesnt help....)



I just wish you could understand that I honestly never wanted you to get hurt, thats not the kind of person I am. The whole thing makes me feel sick, I've been in a similar situation and know how much it can hurt. Even though I am not the initial person that caused your hurting I am truly sorry.



Whilst I know we are hardy gonna be buddies, I would like to think that we had a mutual understanding of the whole situation from mine and your points of view. The last thing I want is for you to hate me, we don't even know each other. But obviously I can't change your feelings towards me personally but I atleast hope you don't feel the way you did back then when it happened.



I won't read over this before I save/post it as I've typed it all from what was just coming out....I don't want to changed bits etc



S-J x

Money

All I do is work work work...I come home, have shower, make tea and then go to bed..I wake up(tired) and its the same cycle again...

I don't get to spend my own money on me....its just rent, council tax, gas, electricity....bills bills bills.

Bills that I can't even afford to pay, I can't make ends meet :-(

I can't go out with friends....I feel like I have no friends.

I can't clothe myself

I can't make this shell of a house a home

I never have anything to look forward to.

I don't even know why I bother getting out of bed.

Picking up from the last time I wrote......

So the last time I wrote was 9th of May and I was awaiting the arrival of Sean and Katies baby girl. Ellie-Louise Kathleen Dey was born on Tuesday 25th May ans weighed 6lb 8oz, she had a beautiful head of hair aswell! After work Mum, Dad and I went to meet her at the hospital. Sean was waiting at the door for us with a giant cheesey grin on his face :-) It was so exciting!!! Katie looked fresh as a daisy(she'll disagree)....you wouldn't have thought she had just given birth. It was just so nice to be able to meet my 1st Neice on the very day she came into the world and I'll never forget it.
(Thats Daddy, Mummy and Me below)

In June my nephew Kian (who I saw twice through 2010) turned 5....I of course was not invited to his birthday party and was faced with having to lie to him when he asked me why I wasnt there....I can hardly tell a child the real reasons. I did send him a card though, whether it was given to him or not I dunno! He also started school in 2010, this
unfortunatly I was not allowed to enjoy with him either.

Oh July what a great month you where! My mum decided to leave my dad at the end of June....she casually popped round with Buzz one friday after I got home from work and sprung it on me. I of course had questions, she gave some answers.....they hadn't loved each other for 10years, wanted to wait until we where older, had discussed this many a time and that it was mutual and apparently that was that and we all just had to deal with it. The next day dad moved into my spare room. Having dad stay wasn't too bad, he worked alot and he was able to help out with some bills which was great but having to see his face everyday just reminded me of what had just happened. How my family wasn't my family anymore. I was so angry at both my mum and dad for all the lies, I was left feeling like nothing was real....family birthdays, christmas's, holidays...photo of us etc...just seemed fake now. At the end of July dad told me mum was planning to move away.........to Aberdeen!.......with a man.......WTF. Mum told me no-one else was involved in the break up. So it turns out they where just friends, this was a man my mum had not seen in like 20 years and she thought he was dead....and now she was moving away, leaving us all behind to live with him, "her friend".

Hello August...another "fun" month....1st week in Aug Mum moved to Aberdeen to live with "her friend" and took Buzz with her. Dad moved back into the house, where Zak, Fearne and the chickens stayed. I was still really angry with the whole mum moving away, lies etc stuff and it was only made worse with the constant Facebook updates from my mum about how great her new life was, how happy she was, why did she wait so long etc etc.......whilst Me, dad and brothers where left to get on with things. There was also the , I miss my grandkids etc...which in all honesty was her own bloody fault! So while she was getting settled into her new home with "her friend" she was discussing how she was decorating the 2 bedroom croft during a phonecall and mention the "spare room".....it only has 2 rooms.....so "her friend" was not just "her friend".....not long after that her
facebook relationship status changed to 'in a relationship'.....and still to this date my mother has not told me of her relationship. August ended with a house party, Kirsty was leaving to go to Uni in England so I threw her a leaving party...was a fab night apart from the mess left by certain
individuals.


September began with me feeling really ill, I had awful cramps in my stomach amongst other things and was sore when leaning to one side so I went to the Docs....turns out I was pregnant, I didn't even know, and I was having a miscarriage. I'd been through all this when I was 19, had to do it alone and now it was happening again. I told mum and dad this time and Katie too. But mum was away living her new fab life, dad didn't really know what to do and I really didn't want to put it all on Katie, she had not long had her baby. It was awful, I felt like I was alone all over again, sitting in the docs waiting room along with woman that had children with them, getting the bus and having to walk past the prams at the front. I wanted to tell "him" what I was going through but "he" was on a lads holiday and when "he" came back I couldn't face telling "him" what had happened, we where just friends and really didn't want to make things weird, I felt as if I was doing "him" a favour.....there was nothing he could have done anyway, it was all over by the time he was back.......I dunno if I'll ever tell him, I don't even think he would have cared :-(


So now we get to October.....Chris decided to fall out with me and Sean.....on Facebook! He tell us this that and the other and that we have to fuck off....he then deletes us as bother and sister and blocks us from his FB page......vary mature. I now have no contact with my nephews what so ever and my brother thinks this is ok. After putting up with 6 years of grief, lies and twisted-ness from his other half, my brother decides to fall out with me. So at this moment He hasn't spoke to me since October 16th.......apart from a text on xmas day. He has apparently told mum he knows he was in the wrong, and He knows he has to apologise so thats what I'm waiting for. I did nothing but look out for him, put up with more shit that he realises from his other half, give him somewhere to stay everytime they fell out etc so he knows where I am when he's man enough to apologise for the things he said. Its been 3 months, 1 week and 2 days so far....... Also it was Hallowe'en YAY!!! Fancy dress YAY!!! House party not at mine YAY!!! Being accused of doing something with a married man NOT SO YAY!!!!!!! All I did was mingle with other people at the party, chatted to a married guy about his homeland (South Africa), his wedding, his wife, living in Edinburgh....I leaned over to get my bag as I wanted to leave 'cos he was being bit flirty and making me comfortable and when I did this he kissed me. Yet, my friend of around 8 years has fallen out with me(she is friends with the guys wife), she won't tell me what info its based on, what she was told etc and won't even listen to what I have to say about what happened. No-one else was in the kitchen, I had stepped back by the time someone had walked in....there was no witnesses, not another person around. Me and him are the only 2 people who know what happened which means he has made something up. I am infuriated at this and the fact that this friend of mine doesn't care to hear the truth. FFS!
I think this was also the month I found out about my dads new "friend"....after much investigation it turns out she is only 21......this is still an ongoing investigation.....


Nothing much happened in November...lol!

December, its snowed....not just a wee bit snow but MEGA snow....I had over 16inches of the white stuff in my garden! I couldn't even get to work on one of the days lol! It just kept snowing and snowing! It was mad! I also ended up with the flu big time, and a chest infection. I was off work for 2 weeks, couldn't walk, couldn't eat...and I admit it I kept wetting myself cos I had no control over my body. I have never felt so weak in all my life! My dad had to bring over supplies and make sure I was still alive, I couldn't get to the doctors cos of the crazy snow..what a drama! I ended up losing a few Lbs though lol! (safe to say I put them back on at xmas)
It was Ellies 1st christmas and the 1st xmas without mum. Me and dad went to Sean and Katies and spent it with them, Ellie, Katies stepdad Sean and brother Ritchie (who is soooooooo cute!!!), Katies mum Geraldine was ill, poor thing. It was the most untraditional and weird xmas day ever but I really enjoyed myself. At night Sean and Katie had friends round and we all got drunk. I also learned a valuable lesson that night......never drink Katies lemonade.....Its just not worth it lol :-)

So there we have it.....May-Dec 2010, the short version but I think you get the jist of things.

It was a rather shitty year for me...apart from my beautiful neice being born and finding a new friend in Katie and yes, I have had a greet through writing all this.....thats why I'm not reading through it before adding it on to my blog.

Also if anyone mentioned in this blog is offended by anything I have written, don't be...its how things where from my point of view and how these events made me feel....its my blog.

Write soon....I promise :-) xxx
Ps I wanted to add pics but blogspot was being really annoying and freezing on me!!!!

Its been a while LOL!

Well oops! Ive totally forgot to write for ages.


I'm 26 now....... :-( Feeling old! Thats me at the front in black with some of the friend that came out to celebrate.



On my last post I wrote about Operation 1 chin but the whole "operation" didn't really go to plan haha. I can't help it, I LOVE FOOD! So Ive scrapped it. So whatever size I am and whatever size in the furture whether its bigger or smaller, I am still me....


Its only 2 weeks now until my wee neice is due. I am sooooo excited to meet her. Can't wait to have a neice to buy girly things for and do girly things with her as she grows up. On a sadder note though it has now been 6 months since I last saw my nephews :-( I'm obviously not going to broadcast the reasons behind this matter, 'cos thats not the kind of person I am. I do however hope that when they are old enough they will understand everything. Its rather heartbreaking for me to be missing out on their xmas and birthdays and this year one is starting school but what can I do eh!

So I'm 26 now, I had a fab birthday, drinking for 16 hours and manage to not feel hungover! Had a great catch up with everyone aswell. Poor Kirsty had to go to work the next mornong....she was still abit drunk as left for the bus to work! The nutter also cut her foot on glass when we where in town too......



Well I'm having a lazy today and watching a weeks worth of Home and Away.....contemplating on ordering a PizzaBoy......you can do it online now! www.justeat.co.uk

Next time I won't leave it so long to write xxx

New Year - 2010 - OPERATION 1 CHIN!

Christmas and New Year where great! (Much better than last year as I was quite unwell) Lots of yummy food, lovely gifts and a great time all round!

Then I saw the photo's.......I know I have to lose weight, Ive known most of my adult life but these photos of my face are dreadful......I have around 10 chins and no cheek bones anymore! (thats me in the paper hat)

So Ive started OPERATION 1 CHIN! and I hope to have lost 2stone (24lbs ) by the end of April and my 26th birthday.

Anyway week one had just ended and I have so far lost 4lbs!!!!! I couldn't believe it so I weighed myself 4 times to make sure. All I did was a teeny wee nit of excersize on my "lateral thigh trainer" and swapped my daily Twirl for Malteasers/Jaffa Cakes, stopped eating chips and had toast for breakfast instead of bacon roll....

The hardest part of it all is when I get home from work....I just want to munch. The weekend was so hard too.....I just wanted to eat crap all day so instead I slept for most of it lol!!

Anyway week 2 beckons and I'm not expecting another 4lb loss but I will be happy with 1lb..... x

It snowed!.......

Today it snowed....it snowed alot....lol. Well there wasn't enough for a snowman or make snow angels but still its earlydays.......

I had my appointment at the hospital today...I left at half 12 to make my appointment at 3.15 and I got home at 6pm.....6 buses, freezing, soaking feet, hungry, £13 and all this for a 15 min appointment - thank god I don't have to go back! I'm still trying to thaw myself out, brrrrrr!

When I got home I remembered that my front window curtain pole fell down, I'm sick of the shoddy curtain pokes in this house of mine....I faffed about to try and put it up again but I bet it just falls down again! Oh and while I was putting it up I noticed the window cleaners slip and remember that he would be coming round for his dosh.....So I hid....and like clockwork I heard the chapchap at the door....and I admit it, I ignored it...cos I'm skint and I'm never here to actually see that my windows have been cleaned, so how do I know he has actually cleaned them eh! haha!

Ive been checking the tv guide to see whats on on sat/sun night since the X Factor has finnished and there are so many films on just now....I'm not going to have nough memory on my Sky+ or enough time to watch them all....I wish there was a panto on the tv like there was when I was wee.

Anyway I tried to take a pic of the rail bridge in the snow today with my phone but

the bus window was a little too wet, you can stil see what the pic is of though......

Right well I'm back at work tomorrow, hoping for happy customers all day and Macaroni cheese on the menu!

I'm off to thaw myself out in a roasting shower and put a face mask on before wrapping the xmas presents that I have bought.

Goodnight xxx